The Last Thought

What is more important in life? Living or pretending to Live? Should he take a risk and say that this is the most loveliest evening he has spent in all the time he was there? Should he thank her for listening to his ‘seemingly hilarious’ jokes, his non stop gab, his dreams without criticism and without comment ? Or should he simply don the armor of the woman with will power, with ‘special light’ and leave without saying anything.

As they were walking along the road to the not so busy streets of the city he was listening to her, her aspirations, her expectations with life, her desire, her dreams. She had been a happy girl and she could not easily content herself but she knew how to be stay happy with it; it was a gift from life.

Yes, It has not been an evening like any other. He felt tense and anxious, for he had opened a door that he did not know how to close. It is the end of his stay in the city and he has to move to an another one the next morning. He knew her for 5 years and now it seems he understands the girls inside her.

When she finished speaking they were sitting in a small restaurant, this time the other side of the road, the one closer to her home. The dusk was closing in. It was getting dark. They ate little. He watched her more. It was the time to say good-bye. The final one. He was so in a delirium. Should he let her know. Should he simply wait for a more proper a time; but then what is proper. He hardly had answers ??

They left the restaurant clearing the bills. She preferred to say less, the customary good – bye. She shook his hand, as was the custom, and went home. There was he again, standing on the gates with his queues of thought. For the first time he look at his past. This was the first time he felt the warmth. He came back home.

He had his flight at 7am. It was 3am. He could barely feel the slumber in his eyes. Something was missing. May be he found something. Opening up his notebook he started scribbling.

It’s there in the excitement of the unexpected, in the desire to do something with real fervor, in the certainty that one is going to realize a dream. Passion sends us a signal that guides us through out lives, and its up to me to interpret those signals. I would like to believe that I’m in Love, with someone I have known for years, someone who did not figure out exactly in my plans. I do not expect so much in returns. She might have least interests in me. She might not even accept this. Leave alone the ‘acceptance’ , she might not even ‘understand’ it. But does that mean I should deny myself the chance to Love. Its not in my control to persuade her feelings but I cannot stop loving her. She did not figure out closely in my plans. But I would continue loving her. I could like the duck on the lake  and take pleasure in the sudden ripple that set the water rocking. Considering the way the world is, one happy day is almost a miracle…….”

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The departure was announced. It was 6:30 am. He moved towards Gate 5. His gait failed to conceal the fermentation. As he took steps away from his desire, he came close to unrest. He was not sure if the limit has been reached or there was time yet. Nevertheless he smiled. Checking in the luggage, he grabbed his seat. Seated beside him was an elderly lady in her late 40’s. She smiled at him; as a part of courteous ritual he smiled back.

He needed a sleep the most. He had travelled across a couple of domestic airlines for last one year and all had the same instruction manual. So unless one had a keen interest in knowing about the emergency exits or if the attendant guiding through those emergency manual was hot or corking enough, there was no point attending those sessions. Caring less of the flight attendant’s instruction he plugged in the iPod and closed his eyes.

He could not sleep. The restlessness denied him the opportunity to sleep. He stood up and took the notepad out from the rear of the satchel and continued scribbling…

I have met a girl and fallen in love with her. I allowed myself to fall in love for one simple reason: I’m not expecting anything to come out of it. I know that, in some time, I’ll be far away and she’ll be just a memory, but I could not stand living any longer without loving her. I had reached my limit. I am not sure if I will come back to the city where I worked; where she worked; but for the first time in my life that doesn't matter. Its just enough to love her, to be with her in my thoughts, to cover my lovely world with her steps, her words and her love. When I leave this place, it will have a face and a name and the memory of these lovely evenings. Everything else I experienced here, all the difficulties I had to overcome, will be nothing compared to that memory.

I would like to do for her what she did to me. I‘ve been thinking about it a lot, and I realize I did not walk into this city by chance. Some meetings do not happen by chance. Really important meetings are destined long before we ever sense the gravity of these meetings. Generally speaking these meetings occur when we reach a limit, when we need to die and be reborn emotionally. These meetings are waiting for us, but more often than not we avoid them for happening. If we are desperate, though, if we have nothing to lose, or if we are full of enthusiasm for life, then the unknown reveal itself and our universe changes the direction.

Everyone knows how to love because agreement or disagreement cannot nullify the fact that we are born with that gift. The gift to love. Some people have a natural talent for it, but the majority of us have to re-learn, to remember how to love, and everyone, without exception, needs to burn on the bonfire of past emotions, to relive certain joys and griefs, certain ups and downs,certain undulations until they can see the connecting thread that exist behind each new encounter; because there is a connecting thread.

Sometimes the life is very mean, a person can spend days, weeks, months an years without feeling anything new. Then, when a door opens, a positive avalanche pours in. One moment, you have nothing, the next, you have more than you can cope with. He felt as if he has left something back; he felt may be he has found something new.

Destiny had thrown a pebble and the energy had touched him. He could now feel the vibrations of the pebble. He could now probably go to sleep.